Waves

I prayed that you were just a nightmare.
Played over and over.
Week after week,
Month after month,
Year after year.

I thought everyone was scared of waves,
Of dark, pounding water,
To the point that they
Wanted to throw themselves off of a bridge
To get away.

Till worship turned sour,
And wave after wave of love
Whirled the nightmares just enough,
I caught a glimpse of the reality
They reflected.

The moonless beach,
The scraping shells,
The kicking and sputtering, burning lungs,
The stark terror of peering over the cliff,
Watching the bubbles swirl into oblivion.
The fear and the longing.
The let go and hold on.

Surely it can’t be,
Just delusional musings
Of the sleep-deprived neurotic.
Just another clip to add to the fragments.
And they sit, rotten, stagnant,
Poisoning life today.

Never will I be the same again,
Never will it be resolved.
A life littered with snapshots,
Revolting, unfathomable, inhuman,
With no where to land,
So they flit like flies in the blank spaces.
And I wait, ears buzzing,
Terrified of, longing for
The real story.

Advertisements

Embrace and Release

Pint-sized explorer,

Every second houses discovery.

Crystal blue, absorbing all anew.

Dirty knees from the latest expedition,

You crawl over to touch base.

A moment of connection, my melted heart,

And you fly again.

I hold on, and let go.

Again and again.

I read you and take your cues.

 

Tiny story-teller,

You narrate your life.

If I listen closely enough,

You will share your discoveries.

Every new syllable a treasure,

We unwrap your gifts together,

And with each “ma”, I rejoice.

 

As you unfold, I dare not blink.

I covet each moment with you,

And know too that they are not mine.

Keep stepping out, little puddle-jumper,

And know that I am here for every splash.

The Privilege (Poem)

I didn’t know if I could understand love.  When you haven’t had parents who loved you or who loved you abusively, it seems like the skill of parenting would be lost forever.  I find, however, as I have ventured down this path of parenting, that there exists within me a redemptive power that fuels a new kind of love.  This is a love that I never received from my parents, but has always been there for my own children.  I am so glad that love is not only learned.  I am so glad that I don’t have to be like my parents.  There is a power that is greater than environment, and that power is paving the way for my healing and allowing me to love my child with God’s love for me. 

I’ve never seen eyes like yours.

Two baby pools reflecting the sun.

I see the floor of the ocean,

And a million other marvels.

How can you come from me,

With your ever-growing beauty?

Infinitely long lashes and perfect pout.

And just when I think that you’ve maxed out,

A new day reveals more.

Your spirit, ablaze with fire,

You overflow with personality.

Little body can’t hold the massive heart,

Throbbing, larger than life.

As you grow into yourself, I watch in awe,

Amazed at you, inhaling your passion.

Catching your fire,

Speechless at the privilege of being your mommy.

Thank you for being.

The Death of Death

Death, you are the story of my life,

I wish that today were your death-day, but it is not.

Because you are still alive and well, you haunt me.

Peeking around corners,

showing up in the gummy grin of a baby,

hiding in between the little pink lines on the stick,

streaking the back windsheild of my SUV,

Painting the pages of every book,

Sprawled out on the side of every country road,

You lurk in the shadows.

Life captures my heart, and you steal it back in an instant.

Beauty catches my breath, and you turn the catch into suffocation.

You corrupted my mind.

There is no joy that is not tainted by your gruesome breath.

One day, oh death, you will be the one suffocated.

You will be the one who bleeds out.

You will be drowned.

You will be beaten, tortured, defeated.

Death, you will die.

And we will live.

Eternal Dawn

I am familiar with the power of the night,

With the darkness that swallows me whole.

With the enemies, once real, now ghosts,

Yet just as real, if not stronger than before.

The blackness ushers me to the torture chambers,

To re-live the bloody nightmares.

With fingers wrapped around my throat.

When, oh darkness, will you release my soul?

There sleeps a babe in the room adjacent,

Under the light of a new covenant,

One of freedom and beauty,

Where starlight waltzes in the reflection of the moon.

And glistening unicorns prance in the moonbeams.

Let the haunting of the old oath die.

With new life, deliver us from the demons.

Break the generational chains, so that the light can shine again.

There is a power greater than the darkness,

The power that illuminates the night with the reflection of the sun,

Her face lifts to mirror the glory of the day,

And the impossible marriage ceremony is performed.

Light will conquer with love.

The eternal dawn arises.