Waves

I prayed that you were just a nightmare.
Played over and over.
Week after week,
Month after month,
Year after year.

I thought everyone was scared of waves,
Of dark, pounding water,
To the point that they
Wanted to throw themselves off of a bridge
To get away.

Till worship turned sour,
And wave after wave of love
Whirled the nightmares just enough,
I caught a glimpse of the reality
They reflected.

The moonless beach,
The scraping shells,
The kicking and sputtering, burning lungs,
The stark terror of peering over the cliff,
Watching the bubbles swirl into oblivion.
The fear and the longing.
The let go and hold on.

Surely it can’t be,
Just delusional musings
Of the sleep-deprived neurotic.
Just another clip to add to the fragments.
And they sit, rotten, stagnant,
Poisoning life today.

Never will I be the same again,
Never will it be resolved.
A life littered with snapshots,
Revolting, unfathomable, inhuman,
With no where to land,
So they flit like flies in the blank spaces.
And I wait, ears buzzing,
Terrified of, longing for
The real story.

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Embrace and Release

Pint-sized explorer,

Every second houses discovery.

Crystal blue, absorbing all anew.

Dirty knees from the latest expedition,

You crawl over to touch base.

A moment of connection, my melted heart,

And you fly again.

I hold on, and let go.

Again and again.

I read you and take your cues.

 

Tiny story-teller,

You narrate your life.

If I listen closely enough,

You will share your discoveries.

Every new syllable a treasure,

We unwrap your gifts together,

And with each “ma”, I rejoice.

 

As you unfold, I dare not blink.

I covet each moment with you,

And know too that they are not mine.

Keep stepping out, little puddle-jumper,

And know that I am here for every splash.

The Privilege (Poem)

I didn’t know if I could understand love.  When you haven’t had parents who loved you or who loved you abusively, it seems like the skill of parenting would be lost forever.  I find, however, as I have ventured down this path of parenting, that there exists within me a redemptive power that fuels a new kind of love.  This is a love that I never received from my parents, but has always been there for my own children.  I am so glad that love is not only learned.  I am so glad that I don’t have to be like my parents.  There is a power that is greater than environment, and that power is paving the way for my healing and allowing me to love my child with God’s love for me. 

I’ve never seen eyes like yours.

Two baby pools reflecting the sun.

I see the floor of the ocean,

And a million other marvels.

How can you come from me,

With your ever-growing beauty?

Infinitely long lashes and perfect pout.

And just when I think that you’ve maxed out,

A new day reveals more.

Your spirit, ablaze with fire,

You overflow with personality.

Little body can’t hold the massive heart,

Throbbing, larger than life.

As you grow into yourself, I watch in awe,

Amazed at you, inhaling your passion.

Catching your fire,

Speechless at the privilege of being your mommy.

Thank you for being.